John Cleese’s Piece

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation* of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories, excepting Kansas which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: More »

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do??”

The operator says, “Calm down, let’s make sure he’s dead”. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Ich bin nicht zu dick, ich bin nur zu kurz geraten.

– Gunter Gabriel, 2011

Even though it’s a well known anecdote, it’s worth repeating…

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. More »

Says a priest to a philosopher: “Isn’t philosophy just like entering a dark room in search of a black cat that might not even be there?”

Replies the philosopher: “Isn’t religion just like entering a dark room in search of a black cat that might not even be there and claiming you found it?”

– Herman van Veen, 2011

13. February 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: Funny

I don’t know if it was actually aired, but this really has to be the funniest commercial ever, if you ask me…